Etiquette of Tipping

The word tipping or gratuities can be a wonderful word to people in the hospitality industry and many other professions. Tipping symbolises two things

1. A thank you for a service from someone who you have been provided with a service.
2. A sign to you that your service and work have been appreciated, of course, you have to be careful as the tipper that you give the correct tip otherwise you may find yourself being chased down the high street by the waiter! 

So why do we tip? Here is a short history to this time old tradition. 

The correct term for tipping, "gratuity", is believed to date back to the 16th century from the word  "graciousness". It might have come from the French word gratuité or possibly from Medieval Latin gratuitas, "free gift", or Latin gratuitus, "free, freely given". Whatever the case may be the meaning of money given in return for service first appearing in the 1530s.

Tipping, therefore, began in Tudor England. In the 17th century overnight guests were expected to tip in private homes and would hand over sums of money, "vails" to the host’s staff. It was around the same time that customers would tip in coffee houses in London and similar venues.

The term  "to give a gratuity" originated in the 18th century. It came from an earlier word of tip, which was "to give which originated in the rogues" in the 17th century. This word may also have come from the 16th-century "tip" meaning "to strike or hit smartly but lightly" which may have come from low German tippen (to tap). It is believed that the term "Tip" was first used in 1707 in the play "The Beaux' Stratagem" by George Farquhar, who used the term after it was being used in criminal circles.  This was a word used to imply "the unnecessary and gratuitous gifting of something somewhat taboo" such as a joke, a sure bet, or illicit money exchanges.

Over the past 19 years, I have been fortunate as a Butler and then a Royal Butler to receive tips/gratuities from employers and guests. It was something one would never assume they would receive but when you did it was a welcomed surprise. The average tip for a weekend house party could be anything between £20 and £50 per a guest so therefore it could be quite lucrative depending on how many guests you receive. In some houses, the guest will give the butler the gratuities to be shared out equally with the staff. This is of course done to the butlers discretion. 

In many public establishments in the UK, there is an understanding that the tip should be 10% of the bill, which again can be quite a small fortune depending on the amount of guests being hosted. In some establishments the money is collected in a tip jar, then shared out equally with the staff. I believe the tips in the United States is 15% but this amount is actually part of the wage.

We must remember that tipping is not something we have to feel forced into and that people offering a service have a right to but it is a courtesy and understanding going back centuries. If you do receive a gratuity you are not required to write a thank you letter as you would in other situations, however, you would say your thank you at the point of receiving it. 

Etiquette of an Invitation

Today we live in an age that to be invited to something will involve a text message or email, which of course is lovely to receive but what I want to know is what has happened to the old-fashioned invitations?

The only invitations I see in modern times are of course wedding invitations and this new fashion of ‘save the date’. I have been lucky enough that, during my time in Royal service, I was invited to many events at Buckingham Palace and on occasions, Windsor Castle. 

I will never forget receiving the command from the Lord Chamberlain inviting me to Windsor Castle for the wedding of their Royal Highnesses The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall. 

As with all of my blogs, let's have a bit of history to this wonderful tradition. Invitations have of course been a way of inviting others into your home. This tradition has of been carried out for many centuries and would have been in the form of a letter delivered by a messenger. Wedding invitations were issued by the town crier who is a man that would walk through the streets announcing in a loud voice the news of the day and anyone within earshot became part of the celebration. Private events were delivered by the method mentioned above. 

The aristocracy was known to send invitations to invite others to their social gatherings and was used in England and France in the 18th century, but this tradition would have gone back possibly another few hundred years. Royals, Lords and Ladies, Dukes and Duchesses and similar invited other’s to their social gatherings by issuing a handwritten announcement of the event. These would be written by the lady of the house or the Secretary or possibly by the butler as it was seen as a mark of education. After the printing press was invented, the aristocracy would still hand write invitations because mass production of invitations by the printing press would be considered to be in bad taste. There would be an inner envelope which would include the invitee's names which would be sealed with a wax seal on the back containing the crest of the family who sent the invitation. The 'outer' envelope was for the protection of the invitation/letter and would have directions on it for the messenger. Once delivered the sender would wait for the response.   

The printing of social invitations did not really begin until the start of the 20th century when the printing press had been accepted by the elite of society. Some people used mass production for invitations as a way to show their wealth and status. The wording they used is very similar to the wording we use today, the only difference was that they would have included the name of the guest as part of the wording. 

Today, we have two kinds of invitations for formal functions which should be prepared on cards engraved in a script from a copperplate. These are formal occasions, such as a luncheon and dinner party or “at Home” invitations for all other parties such as receptions, garden parties, luncheons, dinners and suppers. Please note that on the invitation the ‘a’ for ‘at’ is lower case and the ‘H’ for ‘home’ is upper case. When you received a formal invitation, the wording should be in the third person and be along the lines of Mr and Mrs Smith request the pleasure of your company to celebrate Mr William Smith’s 21st Birthday on Saturday 13th July at the Officers Mess Wellington Barrack, Birdcage Walks SW1. On the bottom left would be the RSVP Répondez s'il vous plaît meaning "Please respond”, with their address underneath. On the right-hand side can be further details, for example, Drinks, Canapés & a Buffet supper and under this would be the time the event starts in pm format (7.30pm) and underneath that should be the dress code, Dress: Black tie.  If the invitation is sent from the Queen, as I mentioned it is a command to which you must respond and attend unless you have a suitable reason not to attend. 

For invitations to events, I always advise that one should send out 6 weeks in advance to the date of the event. A recipient must respond within one week. The response can be along the lines of Dear Mr and Mrs Smith, Thank you for your kind invitation to the 21st Birthday Party of Mr William Smith on Saturday 13th July. I would be delighted to attend and look forward to the date. Yours Sincerely Clare and Charles Landsdown.  

Last week I ran a poll on Twitter in which I asked the question: When invited to attend an event how do you prefer your invitation? The results we interesting as always:-

60% Handwritten

40% Specialist Print

So even after all these centuries, the majority still prefer the old method of handwritten. I personally like both methods and use a wonderful Scottish company called Piccolo Press who without question produce the finest stationery for me. A huge thank you to all that took part in this week’s poll and I will run my next Twitter poll later this week. 

Etiquette of a Gentleman

A Gentleman

In the 21st century, a good question is what does it mean to be a Gentleman? In the centuries gone by it was someone who upheld the codes of etiquette, manners and chivalry. Today, as these traditions are dying, what does it mean to be a gentleman and what do we need to do to ensure Gentlemen don't become an extinct species?

The word "Gentleman" means in Middle English (in the sense 'man of noble birth'): from gentle + man, translating Old French gentilz hom, which refers to any man of good courteous conduct.

In later use, the term denoted a man of a good family (especially one entitled to a coat of arms) but not of the nobility.

The original meaning denoted a man of the lowest rank of the English gentry, below an esquire but above a yeoman. 

This category included the younger sons of the younger sons of peers and the younger sons of baronets, knights and esquires in perpetual succession and thus, the term captures the common denominator of gentility shared by both constituents of the English aristocracy: the peerage and the gentry.

A gentleman would also sign a letter with the ESQ, this stood for the title Esquire historically and was a title of respect accorded to men of higher social rank, below the rank of knight and above the rank of gentleman. It later came to be used as a general courtesy title for any man in a formal setting, usually as a suffix to his name, as in "Grant Harrold, Esq.", with no precise significance.

Now we understand the title of 'Gentleman' but what does it mean in the 21st century. To me, it is someone who treats ladies, the old and children with the utmost of respect and of course show courtesy to other gentlemen. This includes the rules of etiquette and manners. Etiquette is the rule book of how to behave around others and manners being how to behave and treat others. For example, holding doors open, giving up your seat to ladies, children, the old and disabled on public transport and helping others with simple tasks such as crossing the road and helping hail a cab and very importantly, keeping promises. Sadly, the younger generation tends not to understand these time-old customs and it is my duty and that of other similar to me to make sure that these values do not disappear. We do live in a time when ladies are of course treated as equals to men, but there is nothing wrong with showing them respect and courtesy by the values I mentioned above.

All gentlemen should have a basic understanding of etiquette and a full knowledge of manners which should be taught from a very young age. Some of these include knowing when not to say anything, possesses at least one well-made dark suit, one tweed suit and a dinner jacket. They will help carry a house guests’ luggage to their rooms, tip staff in a private house and a gamekeeper in the shooting field, will always say his name when being introduced, is good with staff, can tie his own bow ties, excellent at timekeeping and can of course make the perfect Gin and Tonic.

Last week, on social media we ran a poll asking the question "My question this week is: In the 21st century do you feel Gentlemen have become an extinct species?" I must stay the people who voted was staggering! With over 625 people voting, which showed me this was a question that people feel very passionate about, and thankfully people joined in on the poll to register their vote and feelings on the subject. The results were:

Yes 54%

No 46%

As always, I can't thank you all enough for taking part in the Twitter poll. My personal feelings are that if we don't do something, then the one day we will not have Gentlemen in the world and this will be a very sad day, that our future generations will need to read books or should I say look online to understand what a gentleman was. I will run my next poll this week.

Napkin V Serviette

One thing that has caused a great discussion over the 20th century is the simple question, what is the correct term, Napkin or Serviette? What exactly is a Napkin and a Serviette? Well, before we go into the correct term, let's solve the issue as to what exactly they are.

Napkins, Serviettes or face cloths are pieces of cloth used in dining situations for wiping the mouth and fingers to clean excess food etc from your face and protect you from spills and crumbs which you may acquire during a meal. The word Napkin comes from the French word nappe which is a cloth for covering a table. 

Before we used the cloth we have today, the Romans would use a lump of dough (bread) to wipe their hands. The Romans then had a cloth which was pocket sized and would be carried by them which they would use to mop their brow and was called a sudaria. They also had another cloth called the mappae which was made in medium and large lengths. This went over the edge of the sofa as a protection for the food they took in a reclining position. The fabric was also used to blot the lips. The mappae was used to take away leftovers so in theory the first ever doggy bag.

During the middle ages, the napkin disappeared and you would wipe your hands on whatever came to hand. It was not long until cloths began to be laid on the table of which there were three. These cloths were of a certain length and one was used to wipe your hands and mouth and this evolved into a piece of fabric draped over the arm of the servant. By the 16th century, napkins began to be made of different sizes for different events. In the seventeenth century, the napkin was 35 inches wide and 45 inches long, however, when forks became part of fine dining, the napkin reduced in size as diners were less messy thanks to the use of knives and forks together.

The French court had codes of etiquette for the aristocracy, which included how to use a napkin, when to use it and finally how far to unfold it in the lap. A French treatise dating from 1729 stated that "It is ungentlemanly to use a napkin for wiping the face or scraping the teeth and a most vulgar error to wipe one's nose with it.” This, of course, is very much still the rule for using a napkin to this day. In 1740 tablecloths were made with matching napkins. Dining Napkins can be from 18” x 18” up to 27” x 27”.

Now to a Serviette which is also a piece of cloth or paper and again similar to a napkin but this was used more for meals where you stand up, similar to cocktail napkins. The Chinese are believed to have used paper napkins in 2 BC. A serviette is an old French meaning “to serve”.

In 1954 Nancy Mitford wrote in her essay on “The English Aristocracy” that to say serviette was not correct and the right term is napkin. This, of course, is a debate that continues as some people mistakenly think that a paper napkin is a serviette which is course is incorrect as a napkin is made from paper as well as cloth. As mentioned, napkin means cloth which is exactly what we use to this very day for formal meals. Paper Napkins tend to be used for cocktail receptions and similar.

When it comes to using a Napkin, it is opened and placed on the lap. It is normally opened fully to protect you from crumbs, however, on occasions, ladies and gentlemen will place it on the chest, below the neck to protect the clothes especially when wearing ballgowns etc. Ladies may also place the napkin on their laps with the napkin half folded with the crease away from them so they can use a corner nearest to dab their lips and then place back down so any possible lipstick stains are hidden. Napkins only get placed on the table once the meal is finished, however, if you need to leave the table during the meal then the napkin is placed on the chair. 

In my poll recently I asked, “This Easter when laying your dinner table what is the correct term for the linen cloth?”; the results were:

Napkin    78%

Serviette 22%

As you can imagine this caused a certain amount of wonderful discussion and debate as to what people felt about the terms and the uses connected to them. I personally teach people that we will continue to practice Nancy Mitford’s U & Non-U so we still refer to this piece of cloth as the Napkin! I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone, who took part in this poll and I look forward to running my next one this week.